Guest Columnist: Ida Ott

I Want A Swiss Bank Account

    

    Hearing all the hoopla about Mitt Romney and his offshore tax havens got me thinking of how I could take advantage of such a thing. I happened to have some extra money I won on a scratcher and wanted to get away from paying taxes on the 100 big ones I had won. Yep, you read right, I had $100 dollars extra, which is practically a fortune to this working-class chick. Even though I had earned this money from lottery investments made in America, I wanted to avoid paying American taxes.

     Romney's campaign says he can relate to people like me. So, it stands to reason, people like me should be able to enjoy the same benefits as Mitt, such as tax-free money. Now, I know I don't have no fancy dancin' horses like the Romneys, and my primary residence is a 900 sq. ft. duplex, these things shouldn't stop me from hiding my money like him. So I started making some calls.

      I found out real quick the Swiss Banks aren't really interested in my one hundred dollars. You need a minimum deposit made in person of at least $100,000. That's a little more than I had. Heck, it's more than I'll probably ever have. A bank not wanting money sounded a little shady to me, so I decided to see if Swiss Banks were known for shady dealings.

     Turns out Swiss Banks were used to hide the bloodied, pilfered treasure of the Nazis. As a patriotic American, I would never think of associating with such institutions. I'm ashamed to have ever thought of such a thing. It would be best to avoid, and not vote for, people who have such associations. I will gladly pay the taxes on my winnings and spend the money right here, in the good ol' USA!

Hundreds of Bankers Killed in Explosion. Worldwide Celebrations Ensue

                             

  A mysterious explosion at a banking convention in Switzerland killed hundreds of bankers on Thursday.  This prompted spontaneous celebrations throughout the world.  From the United States to the U.K., people thronged the streets on this joyous occasion.
     "I believe this proves God exists," said one reveler "it's like when Jesus went into the temple and overturned the tables of the money changers."
     Authorities are not going to investigate.  As one Scotland Yard investigator put it: "It could have been a gas main explosion or an intentional act.  Who cares, the world is a much better place without these bankers."
     Surprisingly, stock markets soared with the surge in consumer confidence, prompting one financial analyst to quip, "I guess dead bankers equals a stronger Dow.  Hopefully, this will be a trend."

Bat Party Reporting

Bat Party Investigation: Florida Legislators on Dope

      Florida's lawmakers have passed laws requiring welfare recipients and state workers to take drug tests.  The only state workers exempt from having to take these tests are, you guessed it, the lawmakers themselves.  The Bat Party decided to take investigative steps to right this glaring inconsistency.  We sent one of our investigative reporters to the Florida Capitol Building to see if we could get urine samples from the lawmakers.

     Our investigator went early in the morning, before our representatives reported for work, to the state capitol.  He then made an inspection of  the bathroom located outside the Republican member's meeting chambers.  He found the toilets to be clean, and the soap dispenser full. 

     Throughout the day our investigator observed many Republican lawmakers enter and exit this bathroom.  Even our governor Rick Scott was witnessed entering the facilities.  It was at the end of the day that our investigator embarked on the next phase of his investigation.  He again entered the bathroom and found the toilets to be unflushed.  The inability of the Republicans to flush the commode worked to our advantage as the investigator was able to obtain samples for drug testing.  Also, the soap dispenser was still full so they are also too lazy to wash their hands.

     The results weren't surprising.  We can't attribute any of the findings to any one person because our samples were a mixture of all of the members who used the facilities on that day.  Our samples tested positive for many drugs.  Lots of pain-killers, some amphetamines, and even some cocaine.  But, overwhelmingly, these samples tested positive for marijuana.  You could almost smell the chronic in these samples.  So from these test results, The Bat Party has determined our state legislators, and possibly even the governor himself, to be stoned on dope.  Oh, and don't shake their hands.

B.P. Special Reporting    

    

"OL' Blue." By Rick Perry

     "When I was a boy, I had a dog.  A huntin' dog, a coon huntin' dog to be exact.  He could sniff a coon even if it was 200 yards away.  His name was Ol' Blue and he was the best huntin' dog I ever seen.

     I spent alot of time with Ol' Blue when I was a child.  I considered him my best friend.  He was with me through my formative years and even when I was in my early teens.  It was around this time that Ol' Blue began to change.  He was gettin' old.

     Ol' Blue couldn't hunt anymore because he had bad hips and it hurt him to run.  Heck. it hurt him to walk.  His eyesight was so bad he couldn't see a coon if it was right in front of him.  He couldn't even smell very good anymore.  Things just kept getting worse with Ol' Blue until he couldn't even take care of himself.  He wasn't much good for anyone, even himself, so I made the decision to have him put down.

     Decisions like this are hard.  But, sometimes, they are for the best.  When something or someone have outlived their usefulness, they need to be put down.  In the end, it is better for all of us."

                                                                 

Republicans Pitch Jobs Plan: "Put Americans to Work Building Shanty Towns."

     The Republican Party have come out with what they call a two-for-one deal.  They pledge to not only put Americans back to work but also provide them with housing. 
     "Shack building will provide millions of jobs for out of work Americans." says House Speaker John Boehner.  "And then the poor bastards can live in them."
     When asked why Americans would want to live in such places Speaker Boehner had this to say:  "With the policies we Republicans hope to implement, the working and middle-classes will be decimated.  At least we are providing them with a place to stay."
     Fat-ass Rush Limbaugh says that once again the Republicans have proven they are the party of the people.  "We're giving them a place to stay for Christ's sake!  That's more than the Democrats have offered."
     Congressional Democrats could only shake their heads in disbelief.

Bat Party Reporting
                                                                             

Romney Admits to Using $100 Bills As Toilet Paper

               

     Wealthy presidential candidate Mitt Romney admitted to reporters he wipes his rear with one-hundred dollar bills.  The candidate doesn't see anything wrong with the practice explaining:

     "I know some people can't afford to use $100 bills to wipe their ass and are forced to use $20's or, God forbid, $5 dollar bills.  It will be my goal when elected President to see that every citizen can afford to wipe their asses with Benjamin Franklin." 

     When asked why he uses such large bills for Charmin, he says that is how his family has always wiped their tushes. 

     "It is how I was raised.  My parents taught me and I have taught my children it is acceptable to wipe your derriere with bills of large denominations.  See, I believe in family traditions and family values and I plan to bring the traditions of rich, crazy Mormons to the White House." 

      

B.P. Reporting

Rick Perry: "I Love America So Much I'd Marry It!"

     At a campaign rally on Tuesday, presidential hopeful Rick Perry exclaimed that he loved America so much he'd marry it.  This elicited many questions from the reporters covering the event, including questions from our very own Bat Party correspondent who was in attendance:

Bat Party Reporter:  But you are already married, are you saying you'd take another wife, like a bigamist?
Gov. Rick Perry:  No, no that's not what I meant.  I meant to say I want to be really good friends with    America.
Bat Party Reporter:  So you want America to be your mistress?
Gov. Rick Perry:  I don't want America to be my mistress for crying out loud!  Who the hell are you anyway?
Fox News Reporter:  Don't apologize Governor, I'd dump my wife in a heartbeat if I could marry America.
Bat Party Reporter:  Would you and your wife have a threesome with America?
Gov. Rick Perry:  My wife does what I tell her to do, uh, wait a minute.  This is getting off topic.  Does somebody have something fried on a stick I can eat in front of the cameras?
Bat Party Reporter:  When do you plan on consummating your relationship with America?
Gov. Rick Perry:   Just as soon as I'm elected president.  This conversations over.  I'm gonna go kiss some babies.

B.P. Reporting from the campaign trail